remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
