bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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