Will you blow on my dice?
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Randomize
