I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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