I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Randomize