Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
