my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
