nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
