Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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