I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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