Whod you bang
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I would fuck him just for his dog
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
