Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
