goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize