Define "chronic" masturbator.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
It's rum buckets o'clock
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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