Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Randomize
