remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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