My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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