I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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