It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
