I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
