Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
