i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Randomize