I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
