I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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