trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
