I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
