I need help removing her.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
