I should be sponsored by Trojan
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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