u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
