just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
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