I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
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