You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
