I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
