to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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