woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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