Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
