Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
