A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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