When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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