I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
