I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
