Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I can't put those talents on a resume
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
