Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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