My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
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