when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I'm like, not good at living.
Randomize