At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
