Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Randomize
