New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
