my phone needs a breathalizer
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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