recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
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