I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
