Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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