you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
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