Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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