Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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