In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
