My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Randomize
