SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
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