Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
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