I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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