don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
