i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
