Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
